if i ever push you away, i don't really mean to,
when i tell you i don't want to
talk about it,
i do,
i'm just looking for the right words.
give me a minute.
if i can tell you, i will.
see, i try to be this balance of perfect and
real at the same time.
i'm still working on the ratio.
when i get really quiet?
its because i have too much to say,
and i'm not really sure where to start.
i miss you,
but space is good too i guess.
these days, my head is just a complicated pile of
thoughts,
full of fears and cravings and dreams and
loves and this tangled up
nostalgia for the past and the present all
at once.
i am flawed,
i am human,
i am broken.
but i am trying.
i am two hands and one heart and one head,
going in 1000 different directions,
all at one time.
let's dance,
cause i can't do it all alone forever.
12/31/10
#113
12/23/10
12/19/10
#111
i shoot the lights out
hide till it's bright out
whoa, just another lonely night
are you willing to sacrifice your life?
12/18/10
#110
12/15/10
12/13/10
12/5/10
#107
and so i will stand and extend
the least warming of all welcomes
to you,
i can't say you were missed while you were gone.
we are all ready this time,
to stand and fight for a
right that
is hers and ours alone.
this is her body,
her soul, and her war to fight,
all of us
small soldiers by her side
prepared to defend
no matter the cost.
the fight for a lifetime
begins now,
and i must say, it is my greatest belief that
you, alone and by yourself,
do not stand a fighting
chance.
12/3/10
12/1/10
11/30/10
#103
and somehow we've come full circle - once again, i suppose,
as this seems to be how the world works. start to finish, january to december and
spring to winter.
continuous.
never ending, never stopping, and always leaving you a little bit behind.
we can never catch up,
and there is no way to know what's up ahead.
no road signs,
no indication,
just straight.
full force,
forward motion.
have faith.
11/28/10
11/22/10
#101
day one.
1. in the past year, i have learned to stop dwelling on the past and start living in the now.
2. not a single day goes by that i don't think about spain.
3. not a single day goes by that i don't think about africa.
4. i have insecurities that run real deep.
5. i don't like guns, and i'm not a big supporter of war.
lets make art instead.
6. i'm horrendous at saving money.
7. i question god's plan for me every single day. i wish i had more control.
8. i want more than anything to go to africa. its like a feeling that courses through my body.
9. i'm as honest as they come.
10. i'm beginning to outgrow the bar.
11. i love tattoos and piercings.
12. i want to save a life.
13. if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
14. animals are friends, not food.
15. learn to love passionately and completely.
11/21/10
11/19/10
#99
africa is on my heart.
it is the only thing that i know
about myself that was
without a doubt given to me
by God.
how do you explain something like that
on paper?
#97
1. describe your faith and relationship with jesus
faith to me has become extremely important in the past year and a half. my relationship with jesus is something that continues to grow stronger with every day that passes, and i believe that right now i am as close to God as i have ever been.
that being said, this journey has not been easy, and i'm more than aware that i have tremendous amounts of spiritual growth and exploration in front of me. it was around a year and a half ago that i began to accept Christ into my life and allow him to break down the walls that have stood in my heart for so long, and up to this point my relationship with Jesus has been a very personal thing. recently, i've felt the need for more, for expansion. the need to talk about Him with others who know more than i do, and the need to defend and explain my relationship with Him to those who know nothing at all. i could not be more eager to begin a faith exploration that involves more than just myself, and feel ecstatic every morning thinking that maybe i'll receive an opportunity to see Him working in the lives of others.
11/16/10
#96
just some random thoughts to take me through the morning
i should be doing stats right now
my mind will not stop wandering
i'm surrounded by books older than i am
and the smell of coffee
and moth balls
(i guess that comes with old books)
#95
stay brave,
seek strength and answers in the beauty of everyday,
from the light that shines through your window in the morning
to the breeze that dances through
your hair as you step outside.
breathe in,
breathe out,
god will put the answer in your
heart, not your
head.
11/14/10
#94
lately i cannot help but contemplate
my life and the
things that i have come to
comfortably surround myself with.
for the past 19
and some years, i have
come accustomed to comfort.
obviously, as a young girl, living
in North America, i (a face among millions
of other young girls living
as i am), i have
come to acquire the need for certain
things. we will call these things
wants.
i want a better car.
i want to move out.
i want new jeans.
i want new makeup.
oh, what's that,
a new kitten?
i want it.
i want a shower.
i want a bed.
i want a roof over my head.
if i wanted, i could have four showers (all in the same day, or
maybe just one really really long shower, that would
use so much water,
it would be like four showers),
a very large bed,
or even 12 pairs of jeans, instead of the seven
that currently take up space in my closet that
seems to burst on a nearly weekly basis.
step back.
when did i begin to allow
such simple and frugal possessions
define who i am.
why am i so easily pleased by
new clothing and accessories,
when there are people 28 hours away that
wear the same thing for days
and days
and days.
if they wear anything at all.
i mean, i understand, that being a young girl living in North
America, there is a certain 'social standard' that has
to be up kept,
and that here, it is generally unaccented
by society to walk around for days and days
without washing your hair, or your jeans, or your
jacket.
it may even be unacceptable to wear the same jacket for
several winters in a row.
this i understand.
however, at what point did i stop taking the time
to step back.
at what point did i begin to loose sight of how lucky i am simply to have a
family that loves me, a job that i enjoy,
and a constant supply of
running water (inside my house)
food
clothing
etc.
lets take it back to the basics.
11/11/10
#92
i'm just another thing for you to
roll your eyes at honey,
you might have him but haven't you heard?
i'm just another thing for you to
roll your eyes at honey,
you might have him
but i always get the last word.
11/9/10
#91
so, i realized it's been quite a while since i actually wrote something, so i figured now is as good a time as any.
let's start somewhere simple.
how have i been lately.
lost, that's how.
lost in myself, which is a horrible place to be at nearly 20.
perhaps a little lonely,
no doubt directly related to my self wandering,
with a hint of outside influence for good measure.
not always. i mean, everyone has their moments, right?
but when i really get down to it, i know that i've misplaced myself.
sometimes i'm on one side of the gun,
sometimes i'm on the other.
i often reside on the fence.
maybe lost isn't the right word.
i feel unfound.
christmas is coming, there is still no snow.
but i like this weather, i enjoy getting up and putting on just a sweater and knowing that
that's all i'll be needing for a whole day of walking around campus.
i've become a slave to academics.
the pressure to excel is often overwhelming.
but i'm getting there.
god is distant.
this summer, i felt very godly.
not god-like, godly. (there is a difference.)
surrounded by him, often if not always.
i felt love and happiness and strength in friendships and family and tree branches.
like when the sun hits your skin and warms you from the outside in,
my friends broke me down and i let them, and god, in.
everyone is out now.
out out out.
again, related to self wandering, it all comes back to that.
i felt comfort in the grasp of your hand,
in your laugh,
in your car,
everywhere really, that you were and he was and i was to.
and i've pushed that all away. for nothing, really.
maybe just to see if you'll push back.
11/8/10
10/28/10
#86
never understood why some of us get it so good,
so good.
10/26/10
10/24/10
10/5/10
10/4/10
#81
though i breathed.
i was sightless, though i could see.
and then you came,
and i was awakened.
#80
it's a fight, it's a fight
and you finally belong
got a shiner now.
that's more than a battle-scar,
such a good good story to tell.
you bully, you break
you bully, you break
you fake
you fake
you fake
you fake
you smoke you talk you want you flaunt you hit it and you're in it and it's spinning
and it's wild.
10/2/10
#79
sometimes you're exactly what i want,
sometimes you're less than i deserve.
this all comes down to self-worth.
9/2/10
#78
rainy day in winnipeg
nothing much to do
lets drop some salvia at the park
and see what might come through.
9/1/10
#77
Hi, I'm delanie, with a small 'D'.
I would like to re-introduce myself.
I like wearing skinny jeans and i prefer when my hair is greasy. I like when boys say cute things, and when everyone can accept to say nothing at all. I like holding hands with friends and lovers. I strongly dislike t shirts. Half of my heart belongs here, and the other half has yet to find it's home. Fall is my favorite season, and in the summer I enjoy re reading old classics. I want steel drums and dance music at my wedding. I love music in general, and do not limit it to the typical. I try harder every day to enjoy the simple things in life. I'm awful with money. Let's go outside on a nice sunny day and dance until it starts to rain.
Call me what you want, call me anything but ordinary.
8/22/10
#77
i'm in fargo !
and there is no facebook here apparently :( and no texting !
it's sort of weird, being so close to home but so far away at the same time,
not being able to connect with others.
well, anyway, this is my outreach i guess...
DEAR S,
my day was excellent, and so was shopping :)
i got some cute clothes, and a jacket and some jeans and some boots. it's been good so far. we're having so much fun, marlene and suzy are great and my mom is just my mom.
i got id'd at a restaurant tonight, and was denied my alcoholic beverage of choice. BUT it was alright, because i was already drunk anyway :) and had to do more office work this evening anyway. which kind of sucks.
anyway, i love you, and miss you and hope you're feeling better.
i'll text you when i can,
xoxo
delanie
DEAR K
my tattoo is still very smeared, but it makes me smile to look at.
i hope you had a good day with K&K, and that stonewall wasn't tooo boring.
i miss you ! and i'll text you when i can :)
xoxo
delanie
DEAR K
WHERE IS YOUR RESUME
LOVE
DELANIE
8/20/10
#76
"you know that feeling where everything feels right?
where you don't have to worry about tomorrow,
or yesterday,
where you feel safe?
and you know you're doing the best you can?
there's a word for that,
it's called love.
L - O - V - E.
8/18/10
8/17/10
#71
8/7/10
8/3/10
7/28/10
#67
but none of that matters right now, okay?
you need me, i'll be there,
anytime,
anywhere."
7/27/10
#66
than living on every temporary high that
satisfies me.
trippin' out thinking,
there's just gotta be more.
7/20/10
#65
you'll be happy to know i'm still afloat.
tell me,
how does it feel to be sinking beneath the weight of the world?
7/16/10
7/15/10
#63
get your own life,
and stop trying to take over mine.
in all honesty,
there isn't much left standing anyway.
7/12/10
7/11/10
#60
let's get outta this town tonight,
nothing but dust in the shadows
gone by morning light.
somewhere we won't ever get caught
ever be found.
let's just get outta this town.
7/7/10
#59
i want out.
out of this skin,
out of this place,
out of the day to day
ordinary
perfectly structured
cookie cutter life
that i've become used to.
it feels awful to settle.
i want to run,
feel the earth beneath my feet
in places that are foreign.
i want to get lost in the colors of the earth,
be driven from place to place
by smells, sights, sounds and tastes
no boundaries,
no restrictions.
just me, myself, and the world at my feet.
ready, set,
jet.
6/20/10
6/17/10
#56
it was freedom.
it was free,
out there, no where, being there.
youthful, vibrant and full.
it was everything.
#55
and if i don't meet you no more in this world,
i'll meet you in the next one,
and don't be late, don't be late.
maybe you're just extraordinary.
6/5/10
#54
would you like to hang out tonight?
i must warn you that my hair is dirty,
and i have no make up on.
if you can handle that, call me.
love, delanie.
june 5th, 2010.
5/24/10
#53
I feel so holy and clean
when i stretch out on the floor and
sing
sometimes god comes in for a minute
and says i'm doing fine
I'm almost there
holy - nicole blackman
5/20/10
#51
you're a good soldier,
choosing your battles.
pick yourself up,
and dust yourself off, get back in the saddle.
you're on the front line, everyone's watching,
you know it's serious,
we are getting closer,
this isn't over.
the pressure is on,
you feel it.
you got it all,
believe it.
when you fall get up,
if you fall get up.
tsamina mina zangalewa
cause this is africa.
tsamina mina eh eh,
waka waka eh eh
this time for africa.
listen to your god,
this is our motto,
your time to shine, don't wait in line.
vamos por todo.
we're all africa.
5/19/10
5/16/10
#49
to let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means i can’t do it for someone else.
to let go is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization i can’t control another.
to let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
to let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.
to let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
to let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
to let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
to let go is not to deny, but to accept.
to let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
to let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
to let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what i dream i can be.
to let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
to let go is to fear less and love more,
the time to love is short.
5/11/10
5/9/10
#47
“Freeing yourself was one thing;
claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”
Toni Morrison
5/5/10
#46
“Beauty is that which attracts your soul, and that which loves to give and not to receive. When you meet Beauty, you feel that the hands deep within your inner self are stretched forth to bring her into the domain of your heart. It is the magnificence combined of sorrow and joy; it is the Unseen which you see, and the Vague which you understand, and the Mute which you hear - it is the Holy of Holies that begins in yourself and ends vastly beyond your earthly imagination."
#45
"tonight? that's so out-of-character for a saint."
you so easily choose the sinners over the 'saint',
come sunday morning, you glorify yourself
to Him, readily accepting what you do not deserve.
although my faith is shaking,
i know this much is true,
lower your chin from it's poise, my friend,
for now we're just about through here.
5/2/10
#44
rain pelts my windows and grey clouds cover my sun.
i have not left my bed since 12:30.
bon iver is my best friend.
i'm fine with all of this.
what is wrong with me.
4/30/10
#43
american apparel wish list.
(who ever would have thought...)
long-sleeved lace body suit.
crop top.
lace top.
low-cut body suit.
harem pants.
anyone have an extra 300 dollars laying around?
4/16/10
#42
a balloon pops
a pan crashes
as i walk across the kitchen on a sunny day in april
to check on the eggs and bread and wine
and sanity
and glue
and to paste lovely photographs
and heatless expressions
to these four walls
#41
an addiction to hand`s and feet -
there`s a meat market down the street
the boys and girls watch each other eat
when they really just wanna watch each other sleep
there`s a meat market down the street
they boys and girls watch each other eat
when they really just wanna watch each other
sleep
4/13/10
4/10/10
#39
i feel like i'm wasting my time.
and contrary to popular belief, i do not have my shit together by any means.
i don't know what to do next,
i don't know what i'm supposed to do next.
option a)
continue wasting time.
working toward a 'goal' that feels like it's extremely distant, and will never be attainable.
option b)
pick a new path.
it's like being stuck in a circle that you can't get out of.
high school was pre planned.
why is this so difficult?
4/9/10
#38
they love to tell you,
"stay inside the lines,"
but something's better
on the other side.
john mayerrr <3
4/6/10
#37
the world can be cold and cruel,
but today the world was mine.
"don't ever grow up, kid"
the man with one leg said to me,
a nameless passerby.
when you are a mindful child,
you deem the crazy as creative,
today i was a born again,
seeing beauty behind those eyes.
4/4/10
3/31/10
#35
don't fix it if it hasn't broken,
and don't regret what's yet to come.
so let's go,
a small spark will set it off.
explode,
ignite the dark, illuminate the foreign.
but whilst your head is is still in the clouds
the best advice i have?
don't look down.
3/30/10
3/28/10
#33
i heart revolution.
i crave movement, strength and passion.
where did all the good go?
let love tear down these walls.
we're all in this together.
3/26/10
#32
the desultory yearning for yesterday.
the moments spent searching for oneself aside a porcelain throne,
closely followed by endless nights where it seems the sun will never shine.
the desire for an extinct answer.
three teared tantrums.
everything is alive.
3/24/10
3/23/10
#30
how curious it is to me,
that today, being the day of one's birth,
has also become the day of another's passing.
happy birthday, S.
you've come along way, and you have yet to disappoint.
happy passing, M.
your road was long and hard,
and i'm sorry that it had to be you.
god has great plans for you beyond this life,
please don't be scared,
and always know that you were blessed on this earth
with something so much greater than this.
i'll pray for you.
<3
3/21/10
#29
should be studying for my exam right now.
and listening to this
concert in three weeks 3/17/10
#28
#27
#26
3/9/10
#25
i'm miles from where you are
i lay down on the cold ground i,
i pray that something pick's me up and
sets me down in your
warm arms
today was a good day.
:)
3/2/10
#24
i hang my coat up in the first bar
there is no peace that i`ve found so far
the laughter penetrates my silence
as drunken men find flaws in science
this past sunday, i attended what was probably the best church service i've been to so far.
the testimonials of seven individuals were presented to me, and by the time the hour was up i could barely breathe.
a room full of people came together that day, and we were all united in prayer for these seven people.
how can cancer possibly be a gift?
how can drugs and debt teach you to be a better person?
how can a person plagued with jaundice begin to overcome a lifetime of self-consciousness?
as these seven people stood before me, i couldn't help but ask some questions about myself.
how is it that i have never been able to accept my body for what it is, but a woman who has been afflicted with jaundice is able to smile into the camera and tell us that she feels blessed by her disease?
how is it that i have a hard time saying goodbye to my best friends for a week, and a man is able to draw the strength to say goodbye to his family till they meet again in heaven?
how can anyone be strong enough to accept their disease as a blessing and not a curse?
with each person that spoke, i could feel my throat constrict. where did these people draw their strength from? how can anyone locate a firm ground to stand on when their world is being yanked from beneath their feet?
while my head still swims with questions, everyday i can feel myself growing into the answers.
looking back at my journey these past few months, i've already found more than i ever expected to find.
to me, god had always been a foreign concept. an idea that weak people clung to when they weren't strong enough to face day to day situations alone.
for me, it was easier to say that i didn't believe than put in the effort to open up my heart and accept what was right infront of me.
science explained it all, right? we are simply the result of multiple chemical reactions co existing at an unidentified position in a space-time continuum.
i'm not sure at what point i started to think otherwise.
maybe i was just sick of denying to myself something that had always been inside of me,
or perhaps it was purely out of educational interest.
maybe it was the car ride with S.
either way, i feel like i'm on to something.
it's neither concrete nor tangible, it cannot be explain by functions, lines, numbers, or endless pages of text.
but i can feel it,
and everyday it's wonderful.
2/25/10
#23
"you don't understand!" she cried, "you really don't get it, do you? you only get this one shot, this one chance to prove yourself to yourself. because in the end, you're the only one that will be let down. when all of this is said and done, gone, like all the yesterdays and second chances, what will you have left? yourself. and once you let yourself go, there will be no one else left to catch you when you fall."
he stared forward, through her eyes and her heart to the wall behind her.
she looked into him.
he turned away.
2/22/10
#22
i wish i could begin to describe to you the beauty that lies south of the 49th parallel.
this place i call home is not where i belong.
i want green.
i want freedom.
i want a night that fades to early morning and a sun that never sets.
i want a place where my clothes don't always have to match.
i seek simplicity without style or borders,
a life where i can give more than i will ever take.
my soul aches to get away,
my body cries to help.
my head is constantly in search of something else,
something greater than myself.
2/3/10
#21
things i've learnt this week ;
pay your phone bill monthly.
it's ok to be angry with God. he'll understand.
it takes a lot of earl grey tea to accomplish any sort of serious studying.
over prepare - then go with the flow.
no one is in charge of your happiness but you.
always choose life.
forgive everyone everything, even yourself.
time heals almost everything. time just needs time.
miracles are everywhere.
real life is beautiful.
1/30/10
#20
1/29/10
#19
it's been an odd couple of days.
1/25/10
#18
1/24/10
#16
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
1/21/10
#15
