#91

so, i realized it's been quite a while since i actually wrote something, so i figured now is as good a time as any.
let's start somewhere simple.

how have i been lately.
lost, that's how.
lost in myself, which is a horrible place to be at nearly 20.
perhaps a little lonely,
no doubt directly related to my self wandering,
with a hint of outside influence for good measure.
not always. i mean, everyone has their moments, right?
but when i really get down to it, i know that i've misplaced myself.
sometimes i'm on one side of the gun,
sometimes i'm on the other.
i often reside on the fence.
maybe lost isn't the right word.
i feel unfound.
christmas is coming, there is still no snow.
but i like this weather, i enjoy getting up and putting on just a sweater and knowing that
that's all i'll be needing for a whole day of walking around campus.
i've become a slave to academics.
the pressure to excel is often overwhelming.
but i'm getting there.
god is distant.
this summer, i felt very godly.
not god-like, godly. (there is a difference.)
surrounded by him, often if not always.
i felt love and happiness and strength in friendships and family and tree branches.
like when the sun hits your skin and warms you from the outside in,
my friends broke me down and i let them, and god, in.
everyone is out now.
out out out.
again, related to self wandering, it all comes back to that.
i felt comfort in the grasp of your hand,
in your laugh,
in your car,
everywhere really, that you were and he was and i was to.
and i've pushed that all away. for nothing, really.
maybe just to see if you'll push back.