#103

and somehow we've come full circle - once again, i suppose,
as this seems to be how the world works. start to finish, january to december and
spring to winter.
continuous.
never ending, never stopping, and always leaving you a little bit behind.
we can never catch up,
and there is no way to know what's up ahead.
no road signs,
no indication,
just straight.
full force,
forward motion.
have faith.

#102

"now is the time for guts and God"

-elizabeth taylor

#101

day one.

1. in the past year, i have learned to stop dwelling on the past and start living in the now.
2. not a single day goes by that i don't think about spain.
3. not a single day goes by that i don't think about africa.
4. i have insecurities that run real deep.
5. i don't like guns, and i'm not a big supporter of war.
lets make art instead.
6. i'm horrendous at saving money.
7. i question god's plan for me every single day. i wish i had more control.
8. i want more than anything to go to africa. its like a feeling that courses through my body.
9. i'm as honest as they come.
10. i'm beginning to outgrow the bar.
11. i love tattoos and piercings.
12. i want to save a life.
13. if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
14. animals are friends, not food.
15. learn to love passionately and completely.

#100

my 100th post is dedicated to you.
thanks for being the big spoon sometimes.

#99

africa is on my heart.
it is the only thing that i know
about myself that was
without a doubt given to me
by God.
how do you explain something like that
on paper?

#98

Do you have any previous missions experience?
No.


Red flag?
I hope not.

#97

1. describe your faith and relationship with jesus
faith to me has become extremely important in the past year and a half. my relationship with jesus is something that continues to grow stronger with every day that passes, and i believe that right now i am as close to God as i have ever been.
that being said, this journey has not been easy, and i'm more than aware that i have tremendous amounts of spiritual growth and exploration in front of me. it was around a year and a half ago that i began to accept Christ into my life and allow him to break down the walls that have stood in my heart for so long, and up to this point my relationship with Jesus has been a very personal thing. recently, i've felt the need for more, for expansion. the need to talk about Him with others who know more than i do, and the need to defend and explain my relationship with Him to those who know nothing at all. i could not be more eager to begin a faith exploration that involves more than just myself, and feel ecstatic every morning thinking that maybe i'll receive an opportunity to see Him working in the lives of others.

#96

just some random thoughts to take me through the morning

i should be doing stats right now
my mind will not stop wandering
i'm surrounded by books older than i am
and the smell of coffee
and moth balls
(i guess that comes with old books)

#95

stay brave,
seek strength and answers in the beauty of everyday,
from the light that shines through your window in the morning
to the breeze that dances through
your hair as you step outside.
breathe in,
breathe out,
god will put the answer in your
heart, not your
head.

#94

lately i cannot help but contemplate
my life and the
things that i have come to
comfortably surround myself with.

for the past 19
and some years, i have
come accustomed to comfort.
obviously, as a young girl, living
in North America, i (a face among millions
of other young girls living
as i am), i have
come to acquire the need for certain
things. we will call these things
wants.

i want a better car.
i want to move out.
i want new jeans.
i want new makeup.
oh, what's that,
a new kitten?
i want it.
i want a shower.
i want a bed.
i want a roof over my head.

if i wanted, i could have four showers (all in the same day, or
maybe just one really really long shower, that would
use so much water,
it would be like four showers),
a very large bed,
or even 12 pairs of jeans, instead of the seven
that currently take up space in my closet that
seems to burst on a nearly weekly basis.

step back.
when did i begin to allow
such simple and frugal possessions
define who i am.
why am i so easily pleased by
new clothing and accessories,
when there are people 28 hours away that
wear the same thing for days
and days
and days.
if they wear anything at all.
i mean, i understand, that being a young girl living in North
America, there is a certain 'social standard' that has
to be up kept,
and that here, it is generally unaccented
by society to walk around for days and days
without washing your hair, or your jeans, or your
jacket.
it may even be unacceptable to wear the same jacket for
several winters in a row.

this i understand.

however, at what point did i stop taking the time
to step back.
at what point did i begin to loose sight of how lucky i am simply to have a
family that loves me, a job that i enjoy,
and a constant supply of
running water (inside my house)
food
clothing
etc.

lets take it back to the basics.

#93

the anatomy of broken
and the beauty of a
clean slate

#92

i'm just another thing for you to
roll your eyes at honey,
you might have him but haven't you heard?
i'm just another thing for you to
roll your eyes at honey,
you might have him
but i always get the last word.

#91

so, i realized it's been quite a while since i actually wrote something, so i figured now is as good a time as any.
let's start somewhere simple.

how have i been lately.
lost, that's how.
lost in myself, which is a horrible place to be at nearly 20.
perhaps a little lonely,
no doubt directly related to my self wandering,
with a hint of outside influence for good measure.
not always. i mean, everyone has their moments, right?
but when i really get down to it, i know that i've misplaced myself.
sometimes i'm on one side of the gun,
sometimes i'm on the other.
i often reside on the fence.
maybe lost isn't the right word.
i feel unfound.
christmas is coming, there is still no snow.
but i like this weather, i enjoy getting up and putting on just a sweater and knowing that
that's all i'll be needing for a whole day of walking around campus.
i've become a slave to academics.
the pressure to excel is often overwhelming.
but i'm getting there.
god is distant.
this summer, i felt very godly.
not god-like, godly. (there is a difference.)
surrounded by him, often if not always.
i felt love and happiness and strength in friendships and family and tree branches.
like when the sun hits your skin and warms you from the outside in,
my friends broke me down and i let them, and god, in.
everyone is out now.
out out out.
again, related to self wandering, it all comes back to that.
i felt comfort in the grasp of your hand,
in your laugh,
in your car,
everywhere really, that you were and he was and i was to.
and i've pushed that all away. for nothing, really.
maybe just to see if you'll push back.

#90

#89

those were yesterdays feelings.

#88