#94

lately i cannot help but contemplate
my life and the
things that i have come to
comfortably surround myself with.

for the past 19
and some years, i have
come accustomed to comfort.
obviously, as a young girl, living
in North America, i (a face among millions
of other young girls living
as i am), i have
come to acquire the need for certain
things. we will call these things
wants.

i want a better car.
i want to move out.
i want new jeans.
i want new makeup.
oh, what's that,
a new kitten?
i want it.
i want a shower.
i want a bed.
i want a roof over my head.

if i wanted, i could have four showers (all in the same day, or
maybe just one really really long shower, that would
use so much water,
it would be like four showers),
a very large bed,
or even 12 pairs of jeans, instead of the seven
that currently take up space in my closet that
seems to burst on a nearly weekly basis.

step back.
when did i begin to allow
such simple and frugal possessions
define who i am.
why am i so easily pleased by
new clothing and accessories,
when there are people 28 hours away that
wear the same thing for days
and days
and days.
if they wear anything at all.
i mean, i understand, that being a young girl living in North
America, there is a certain 'social standard' that has
to be up kept,
and that here, it is generally unaccented
by society to walk around for days and days
without washing your hair, or your jeans, or your
jacket.
it may even be unacceptable to wear the same jacket for
several winters in a row.

this i understand.

however, at what point did i stop taking the time
to step back.
at what point did i begin to loose sight of how lucky i am simply to have a
family that loves me, a job that i enjoy,
and a constant supply of
running water (inside my house)
food
clothing
etc.

lets take it back to the basics.

#93

the anatomy of broken
and the beauty of a
clean slate

#92

i'm just another thing for you to
roll your eyes at honey,
you might have him but haven't you heard?
i'm just another thing for you to
roll your eyes at honey,
you might have him
but i always get the last word.

#91

so, i realized it's been quite a while since i actually wrote something, so i figured now is as good a time as any.
let's start somewhere simple.

how have i been lately.
lost, that's how.
lost in myself, which is a horrible place to be at nearly 20.
perhaps a little lonely,
no doubt directly related to my self wandering,
with a hint of outside influence for good measure.
not always. i mean, everyone has their moments, right?
but when i really get down to it, i know that i've misplaced myself.
sometimes i'm on one side of the gun,
sometimes i'm on the other.
i often reside on the fence.
maybe lost isn't the right word.
i feel unfound.
christmas is coming, there is still no snow.
but i like this weather, i enjoy getting up and putting on just a sweater and knowing that
that's all i'll be needing for a whole day of walking around campus.
i've become a slave to academics.
the pressure to excel is often overwhelming.
but i'm getting there.
god is distant.
this summer, i felt very godly.
not god-like, godly. (there is a difference.)
surrounded by him, often if not always.
i felt love and happiness and strength in friendships and family and tree branches.
like when the sun hits your skin and warms you from the outside in,
my friends broke me down and i let them, and god, in.
everyone is out now.
out out out.
again, related to self wandering, it all comes back to that.
i felt comfort in the grasp of your hand,
in your laugh,
in your car,
everywhere really, that you were and he was and i was to.
and i've pushed that all away. for nothing, really.
maybe just to see if you'll push back.

#90

#89

those were yesterdays feelings.

#88